hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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