I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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