Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
