Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I checked into jail on foursquare
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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