It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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