my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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