just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
