My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
