everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
