I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
