The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
