You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
