peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
