You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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