Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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