Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
