please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
