My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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