Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
