Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
