I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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