sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
