and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
