you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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