it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I love you. Go after that dick
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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