WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
