Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize