You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
