youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
