Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
