Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
