you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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