he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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