And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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