First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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