Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
