I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
