I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
