i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize