You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
