What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
