dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
