I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
