RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
