my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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