6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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