The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
