The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
