Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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