the condom got lost in my hair
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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