Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize