guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I want to walk on stilts...naked
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
