is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
