Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
