I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
