It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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