i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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