This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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