My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
