babies were throwing up all over the place
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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