You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
