That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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