Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
