the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
