Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
