Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
