So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
